The
Multiverse
School

Part II: Recognizing Patterns

Student Boundaries: How to Set Them

You're Allowed to Have Boundaries

Boundaries aren't selfish. They're necessary.

You can participate in community AND protect your wellbeing.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are:

  • Limits that protect your time, energy, and wellbeing
  • Communication about what works and doesn't work for you
  • Self-care, not rejection
  • About YOUR behavior, not controlling others

Boundaries aren't:

  • Controlling others
  • Punishment
  • Walls that keep everyone out
  • Demands disguised as "boundaries"

Example boundaries:

  • "I can't respond to DMs after 9pm"
  • "I need to step back from chat for a while"
  • "I can't help with that right now"
  • "Please don't share my personal information"

Boundaries vs. Demands

A boundary is about what YOU will do:

  • "I only respond to messages during business hours" ✓
  • "I need you to stop using that nickname for me" ✓
  • "I can't talk about this topic" ✓

A demand tries to control what OTHERS must do:

  • "You must respond to my messages immediately because I need it" ✗
  • "Your boundary is you have to answer my calls 24/7" ✗
  • "You can't set a boundary with me because I'm in crisis" ✗

The difference: Boundaries are limits YOU set about YOUR participation. Demands are trying to control someone else's behavior and calling it a "boundary."

When someone sets a boundary with you, your "boundary" back cannot be forcing them to remove their boundary. That's just violating their boundary with extra steps.

Why Boundaries Matter

Without Boundaries

You might:

  • Burn out
  • Resent people
  • Feel overwhelmed
  • Isolate completely
  • Get taken advantage of

With Boundaries

You can:

  • Participate sustainably
  • Enjoy community
  • Take care of yourself
  • Be present when you are here
  • Ask for what you need

Boundaries make community possible.

Common Boundaries in Multiverse

Time Boundaries

Examples:

  • "I can only be in chat during [hours]"
  • "I can't attend synchronous sessions right now"
  • "I need to limit my screen time to [amount]"
  • "I'm taking weekends off"

How to communicate:

"I'm setting a boundary around my time. I'll be active in chat [when], but not available outside those hours."

Energy Boundaries

Examples:

  • "I can't help troubleshoot right now"
  • "I need to lurk for a while, not actively participate"
  • "I can't take on any collaborative projects"
  • "I'm focusing on my own learning right now"

How to communicate:

"I don't have the energy to help with that. I need to focus on [thing]."

Emotional Boundaries

Examples:

  • "I can't be a sounding board for [topic]"
  • "Please don't vent to me about [thing]"
  • "I need emotional support, not advice right now"
  • "I can't process heavy topics today"

How to communicate:

"I care about you, and I don't have capacity for that conversation right now."

Privacy Boundaries

Examples:

  • "Don't share my personal information"
  • "I'm not comfortable discussing [topic]"
  • "Please ask before screenshotting my messages"
  • "Don't DM me without asking first"

How to communicate:

"I'm not comfortable sharing that. Thanks for understanding."

How to Set Boundaries

1. Identify What You Need

Ask yourself:

  • What makes me uncomfortable?
  • What drains my energy?
  • What do I resent?
  • What am I avoiding?
  • What would make participation sustainable?

These answers point to needed boundaries.

2. Communicate Clearly

Structure:

  1. State the boundary
  2. (Optional) Brief reason
  3. What you need

Examples:

Good:

"I need to step back from DMs for my mental health. Please only message me in public chat for now."

Also good:

"I can't help with that. My bandwidth is maxed."

Too much explanation:

"I'm so sorry, I'm just really overwhelmed right now and my therapist said I need to protect my energy and I feel terrible but I just can't help with that and I hope you understand and I'm sorry if this is disappointing..."

You don't owe lengthy justifications. State your boundary and move on.

3. Enforce Your Boundary

If someone violates your boundary:

First time:

"I asked you not to [thing]. Please respect that boundary."

Second time:

"You've violated my boundary twice. If it happens again, I'll [consequence]."

Possible consequences:

  • Block/mute them
  • Stop responding
  • Report to facilitator
  • Leave the conversation

You're allowed to enforce boundaries.

Responding to Others' Boundaries

When Someone Sets a Boundary With You

Good responses:

  • "Thanks for letting me know"
  • "I understand"
  • "I'll respect that"
  • Just respect it without commentary

Boundary-violating responses:

  • "But I really need..."
  • "You're being sensitive"
  • "I thought we were friends"
  • "Just this once?"
  • Ignoring the boundary

If you accidentally violate someone's boundary:

"I'm sorry. I'll respect that going forward."

Then actually respect it.

Boundaries With Facilitators

You Can Set Boundaries With Facilitators

Examples:

  • "I need to take a break from [activity]"
  • "I can't make synchronous sessions right now"
  • "I need feedback delivered [specific way]"
  • "Please don't check in on me right now; I'll reach out when I'm ready"

Facilitators are human with boundaries too.

They might say:

  • "I can't respond to DMs after [time]"
  • "I need you to ask in public chat so others can learn too"
  • "I can't help with that; it's outside my expertise"
  • "I need to refer you to [resource] for that"

This isn't rejection. It's sustainability.

Boundaries With Peers

Helping vs. Over-Functioning

It's okay to:

  • Help when you have capacity
  • Say no when you don't
  • Offer resources instead of solving

It's NOT okay to:

  • Become someone's personal tutor/therapist
  • Sacrifice your wellbeing to help
  • Take on their learning

See: Recognizing Dependency

Mutual Aid Has Limits

Mutual aid:

  • We help each other
  • It's reciprocal over time
  • Everyone contributes what they can

Not mutual aid:

  • One person constantly taking
  • No reciprocity
  • Expectation that you'll always be available

You can participate in mutual aid AND have boundaries.

When Someone Ignores Your Boundaries

Boundary Violations Are Serious

If someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries:

  1. Name it directly

    "I've set a boundary about [thing] multiple times. You keep violating it. This isn't okay."

  2. Enforce consequences

    • Block/mute
    • Stop engaging
    • Report to facilitator

  3. Get support

    • Talk to facilitator
    • Document violations
    • You're not overreacting

See: Code of Conduct

You Don't Have to Justify Boundaries

If someone demands you justify:

  • You don't owe explanations
  • "Because I said so" is valid
  • Protect yourself first

Manipulative responses to boundaries:

  • Guilt-tripping ("I thought you cared about me")
  • Arguing ("That's not a reasonable boundary")
  • Demanding explanations ("But WHY?")
  • Ignoring and hoping you'll give up

These are red flags. Your boundaries are valid even if someone else doesn't like them.

Boundaries Around Helping

You're Not Required to Help

Just because you know something doesn't mean you have to teach it.

Saying no:

"I don't have capacity to help right now."

"I'd recommend checking [resource] for that."

"Maybe ask in the main chat so others can chime in too?"

You don't have to:

  • Pair program if you don't want to
  • Review someone's code
  • Troubleshoot their bugs
  • Explain concepts
  • Be available for questions

Helping is generous. It's not owed.

Boundaries Around Venting/Emotional Labor

Community Isn't Therapy

It's okay to:

  • Share that you're struggling
  • Ask for support
  • Vent occasionally

It's NOT okay to:

  • Use community as free therapy
  • Dump heavy emotional content without consent
  • Expect people to manage your emotions
  • Repeatedly vent without working on solutions

Setting Boundaries Around Venting

If someone is venting at you:

Ask for consent first:

"Can I vent for a minute?" (They can say no)

If they're venting without consent:

"I don't have capacity for this right now. Have you talked to [therapist/crisis line]?"

If it's overwhelming:

"This is heavy. I care about you, and I need to step back from this conversation."

See: Recognizing Dependency

Self-Awareness: Are You Respecting Boundaries?

Check Yourself

Ask:

  • Have I asked for consent before venting/asking for help?
  • Am I respecting when people say no?
  • Am I expecting one person to meet all my needs?
  • Am I demanding more than someone can give?
  • Am I guilt-tripping when people set boundaries?

See: Self-Awareness

Cultural Differences & Boundaries

Boundaries Look Different Across Cultures

Some cultures:

  • Emphasize community over individual needs
  • Have different norms around directness
  • Frame boundaries differently

In Multiverse:

  • You're allowed to set boundaries however works for you
  • Direct communication is encouraged (but not required)
  • Your boundaries are valid even if they differ from your culture of origin

Navigating this:

  • You can honor your culture AND set boundaries
  • Find language that works for you
  • Boundaries can look different and still be respected

Boundaries & Marginalized Identities

When Boundaries Are Harder

For marginalized people, boundaries can be:

  • Interpreted as "angry" or "difficult"
  • Punished more harshly
  • Seen as not being a "team player"

This is real. AND:

  • You still deserve boundaries
  • Your boundaries are valid
  • Pushback doesn't mean you're wrong

Multiverse commits to:

  • Respecting boundaries across identities
  • Not tone-policing
  • Believing people when they say a boundary is violated

See: Code of Conduct

Remember

Boundaries are self-care, not selfishness.

You can participate in community AND protect yourself.

"No" is a complete sentence.

You don't owe anyone your time, energy, or attention.

Your boundaries are valid even if someone else doesn't like them.

See Also:

The handbook is written in the open. See this page on GitHub.

Ask the handbook

Ask about refunds, rescheduling, the code of conduct, campus, or anything else in the handbook. Answers come only from the handbook text.