Digital Safety Guide for Domestic Violence Survivors

When Your Ex-Partner Knows Too Much By Liz Howard, The Multiverse School

🚨 Your Safety Comes First

If you are in immediate danger, call 911
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
Text "START" to 88788

Before You Begin:

• This guide assumes you're in a safe physical location
• If you're still living with your abuser, see the "Still Living Together" section at the end
• Delete this from your browser history after reading
• Consider using a library or friend's computer

💜 You Are Not Alone, and This Is Not Your Fault

Technology-facilitated abuse is real. Your ex knowing your every move through technology is a violation, not paranoia. Studies show 85% of domestic violence survivors report technology-based harassment.

The experience of domestic violence is not limited to any gender, age, intelligence level, capability, race, geolocation, political leaning, ideological category, hormonal profile, mental health status, class, generation, or culture. It comes for us all. No matter who you are, you do not ever deserve to experience domestic violence, or an invasion of privacy.

Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

🎯 Understanding Your Unique Threat

Your Ex-Partner Has Advantages Others Don't:

• Knows your passwords patterns ("You always use your dog's name + birthday")
• Knows your security questions (Mother's maiden name, first school, etc.)
• Had physical access to your devices (could have installed tracking)
• Knows your routines (where you get coffee, your gym, kids' schools)
• May have your SSN and other identity documents
• Knows your support network (might contact your friends/family)
• Shared financial history (joint accounts, knows your spending)

Common Tech Abuse Tactics:

• [ ] Hidden tracking apps on phones
• [ ] AirTags/Tiles hidden in cars, bags, kids' backpacks
• [ ] Shared streaming accounts (Netflix shows your viewing)
• [ ] "Family" location sharing still enabled
• [ ] Access to your email (reading everything)
• [ ] Shared cloud storage with photos/documents
• [ ] Doorbell cameras/smart home devices they control
• [ ] Kids' devices used for monitoring
• [ ] Financial tracking through shared cards/accounts

🛡️ Phase 1: Immediate Safety Planning

A. Document Everything (Safely)

Use a NEW notebook that stays hidden:
- [ ] Write down all accounts you think they might access
- [ ] List all devices you've shared or they've touched
- [ ] Note any threats they've made about "knowing everything"
- [ ] Track strange occurrences with dates/times
- [ ] Keep receipts/screenshots of harassment

Photo evidence:
- [ ] Use a friend's phone or new device to photograph evidence
- [ ] Email photos to a new, secret email account
- [ ] Don't use your regular cloud storage

B. Safety Communication Setup

Get a burner phone ($30-50 at Walmart/Target):
- [ ] Pay cash if possible
- [ ] Don't activate at home
- [ ] Don't save contacts with real names
- [ ] This is your "safety phone" - guard it carefully
- [ ] Keep it OFF and battery out when not using
Note: I personally say "Burner phones aren't real" - this is only when threat-modeling the government.
IF your spouse is in law enforcement, get a friend to register the phone so they can't reverse-lookup whether you have any other registered phones.

Create a code system with trusted friend:
- [ ] "Thinking of you" = I'm okay
- [ ] "Let's get coffee" = I need help but not emergency
- [ ] "Can you pick up milk?" = Call 911 for me

You can change these phrases to match your normal patterns, these are just examples.

🔐 Phase 2: Breaking Their Digital Access

A. Assume Everything Is Compromised

They likely have access to:
- All passwords they've ever seen you type
- Your email (and thus password resets)
- Your location through various apps
- Your cloud storage and photos
- Your financial accounts
- Your social media
- Your kids' devices

B. Start Fresh, Stay Hidden

Order matters - do these in sequence:

1 Secure Physical Safety First

• [ ] Change locks if they had keys
• [ ] Check car for GPS trackers (wheel wells, under seats, trunk)
• [ ] Check bags/purses for AirTags/Tiles
• [ ] Install new door/window sensors if needed
• [ ] Consider security cameras THEY can't access
• [ ] Take a personal defense class

2 New Email Foundation

• [ ] Create email on friend's device or library computer
• [ ] Use fake name for recovery email
• [ ] NEVER access from your current devices
• [ ] Don't use identifying info in address
• [ ] This becomes your "freedom email"

3 Financial Protection

• [ ] Open new bank account at DIFFERENT bank
• [ ] Use friend's address or P.O. Box
• [ ] Paperless statements only
• [ ] Tell new and old bank about situation - they have DV protocols
• [ ] Freeze your credit (right after you leave, as this will be an obvious sign you're taking action)
• [ ] Check credit report for unknown accounts

4 Legal Documentation

• [ ] Scan important documents at library
• [ ] Save to NEW cloud account
• [ ] Include: ID, passport, birth certificates, custody papers
• [ ] Medical records, insurance cards
• [ ] Evidence of abuse (photos, texts, emails)

📱 Phase 3: Device Liberation

1 Phone Freedom

Signs your phone is compromised:

• Battery drains fast
• Gets hot when not in use
• Data usage spike
• Apps you didn't install
• Weird pop-ups
• They know things they shouldn't

Nuclear Option (Recommended):
Order Matters - do these in sequence.

1. [ ] Back up photos/videos to NEW account (not old cloud)
2. [ ] Screenshot important texts (send to freedom email)
3. [ ] Factory reset won't remove all spyware - get new phone if possible
4. [ ] If keeping phone: Factory reset + don't restore from backup
5. [ ] Start fresh with all new accounts
6. [ ] Turn off ALL location services initially
7. [ ] Review every app permission manually

App Audit:

• [ ] Delete apps you don't recognize
• [ ] Check for "system" apps that look suspicious
• [ ] Remove any "family" or "couple" apps
• [ ] Delete shared calendars
• [ ] Sign out of ALL accounts, then change passwords

2 Computer Cleanup

If they had access even once:
Order Matters - do these in sequence.

1. [ ] Consider the nuclear option - fresh OS install
2. [ ] At minimum, create new user account
3. [ ] Check for remote access software (TeamViewer, AnyDesk)
4. [ ] Review login items/startup programs
5. [ ] Check browser saved passwords - they may have exported them
6. [ ] Enable firewall
7. [ ] Cover webcam when not using

C. Car Technology

Modern cars are computers:
- [ ] Check for aftermarket GPS devices
- [ ] Disable car's built-in WiFi/cellular
- [ ] Remove them from car's Bluetooth
- [ ] Check under seats, wheel wells, trunk for trackers
- [ ] Consider having mechanic check if very concerned
- [ ] Remove garage door opener if they have access

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Phase 4: Special Considerations

1 Children's Devices

The hardest part - they're often used for monitoring:

• [ ] Assume all kids' devices are compromised
• [ ] Check for "parental control" apps that are really spyware
• [ ] Create new accounts kids don't know passwords to
• [ ] Disable location sharing
• [ ] Talk to kids age-appropriately about privacy
• [ ] Court may require some communication - document everything

2 Shared/Court-Ordered Communication

If you must maintain contact:

• [ ] Use court-approved apps only (OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents)
• [ ] Keep all other communication separate
• [ ] Don't click links they send
• [ ] Screenshot everything
• [ ] Assume they're recording calls

3 Social Media Lockdown

• [ ] Make everything private
• [ ] Remove them and their friends/family
• [ ] Turn off location tags
• [ ] Review all past posts they could use against you
• [ ] Consider going dark temporarily
• [ ] New accounts with fake names for support groups

🧘‍♀️ Phase 5: Trauma-Informed Security

1 Managing Hypervigilance

You absolutely must manage the hypervigilance. Fear is a viscious cycle, and will keep you paralyzed. It is not about suppressing your fear- fear is located in the body. It is about managing the body, and the body's experience of fear.

It's exhausting being "on" all the time:
- Set specific times to check security (not constantly)
- Have a trusted friend help with reality checks
- Some paranoia is justified - trust yourself
- But also: not every glitch is them, they want you to be afraid, don't give in

2 Self-Care Security Balance

• [ ] You can't maintain perfect security forever
• [ ] Focus on highest-risk items first
• [ ] Build sustainable habits
• [ ] Celebrate small victories
• [ ] Rest is resistance too

3 Building Your Support Network

• [ ] Tell trusted people what's happening
• [ ] Share your safety plan
• [ ] Give someone your new contact info
• [ ] Join DV survivor support groups (with new identity)
• [ ] Consider therapy with DV-informed therapist

📋 Quick Reference Checklist

Daily:

• [ ] Check surroundings before leaving/entering home
• [ ] Use different routes to regular places
• [ ] Keep safety phone charged but OFF
• [ ] Trust your instincts
• [ ] Talk to at least one friend
• [ ] Make sure someone expects to see you

Weekly:

• [ ] Check devices for new apps
• [ ] Review location settings
• [ ] Look for unknown logins
• [ ] Check car for trackers
• [ ] Back up evidence
• [ ] Find a new reason to need to leave the house to be with people
• [ ] Did you shower at least 2x this week?
• [ ] Did you make yourself food every day?
• [ ] Did you sleep more than 5 hours a night?

Monthly:

• [ ] Review all account access
• [ ] Update safety plan
• [ ] Check credit report
• [ ] Audit kids' devices
• [ ] Self-care check-in
• [ ] Chat with someone about your progress re-establishing your life

🆘 Resources

Hotlines:

• National DV Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• RAINN: 1-800-656-4673
• Love Is Respect (dating abuse): 1-866-331-9474
• Cyber Civil Rights Initiative: 844-878-2274

Helpful Websites:

• WomensLaw.org - Legal information
• TechSafety.org - Tech abuse resources
• NNEDV Safety Net - Technology safety
• Operation Safe Escape - DV escape planning

Apps:

• bSafe - Personal safety app
• Circle of 6 - Quick contact to support network
• DocuSAFE - Evidence documentation
• Aurora - Creates decoy app icons

💪 Remember:

• You survived the relationship, you can survive this
• Their tech knowledge isn't as powerful as they want you to think
• Perfect security isn't the goal - increasing safety is
• You deserve privacy and peace
• This is temporary - it gets better
• You are not alone

Still Living Together?

Extra Precautions:
- Use library/work computers only
- Clear history after EVERY use
- Use private/incognito browsing
- Don't save passwords
- Consider a safety deposit box for documents
- Have "go bag" at trusted friend's house
- Practice your exit plan

Remember: Leaving is the most dangerous time. Plan carefully with DV advocates.

You are brave. You are strong. You deserve safety and freedom.

It is as the Bene Gesserit say:

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Contact: liz@themultiverse.school
Private support: https://jitsi.themultiverse.school

Delete browser history after reading. Stay safe. 💜